Missing You Extra Today

Today is a hard day. I just want to see you again, walk next to you, hug you and smell you. I wonder about you and if you exist somewhere like rainbow bridge. I wish so deeply to know that you're doing well and that you forgive me for letting you go. I feel so much guilt sometimes for not being able to spend as much as time as you your last few years with having my human babies. Your absence in this world stings more than I could have ever imagined. I wish I could visit with you just to be assured that you're doing well.

Answers I'll Never Know

Yesterday I thought of you often and wept a few times. I had been coping decently without crying every day but yesterday I was especially missing you. I also felt a sense of anger, anger that I can no longer spend time with you again. Life without you is different and I feel a sense of sadness that it will never be with you again. Sometimes I really wish I could turn back time and relive some of our time together. Sometimes I wonder if at the end you remembered my face since you could no longer see. Did you still know it was me holding you? Did you remember me? Were you afraid? This is my first time grieving someone whom I really loved. Ralph you were the greatest love and lose of my life up to this point. I will never forget you but I also hope to love a soul again in the same way I loved you. I love my family but it is different from the way I loved you. You were my friend who always showed me kindness no matter how I felt.

Corn Chip Paws

It has been one week since I said goodbye to my dear friend Ralph. I still wake up with my heart pounding and a huge headache thinking about you but it is much less frequent and I feel the slightest bit better. It gives me hope that I can carry on even without you by my side.

My posts are short but I do what I can in between working a full time 8 hours and getting home to a 3 year old and a 14 month old. Sometimes I feel so much guilt over having to split time between everyone when I used to give Ralph my everything before the girls were born.

Today I thought about Ralph's corn chip scented paws and the little dots of different slightly brindle gray splashes of hair on his silky white paws. The little bump he had on his left ear that developed over age. The calcification spot I used to feel of his left rib whenever he would lay on me or I would carry him. The way you loved getting haircuts from me and would sit there so still and look at me with us loving eyes. The way his face would look when I would rub his head and feel his soft pointy ears between my fingers. I miss how his head fit perfecting under my chin. The way his breath and mine used to sync up and I would feel like I was in heaven on earth. His breathe used to blow onto my neck but it was the most comforting feeling. The way he enthusiastically kissed my mouth and face. Before having a dog I would have thought this was the most disgusting thing and I probably would with any other dog besides Ralph. The way he'd wait for me to come out of the  shower and lick my toes and legs..

I miss that smile when you tongue would stick out all the way.