Wish Upon A Dream

Last night I went through photos of Ralph as I have a scrapbook for him on facebook. Last night I feel like I was semi-awake and thinking of all those snapshots of our life together. It made me happy to see how vibrant he once was but again it made me miss him. I've been wishing for him to visit me in a dream but because I rarely dreamed of him when he was living I have worry and sadness that I won't dream of a meeting or living memory of him. That all I'll have are photographs. I am worried that my memories will fade and that thoughts of him won't be sharp enough to be reachable.

Losing Ralph has made me take a look at my other relationships. I've reflected upon the life Blaine and I made with Ralph. It was a beautiful experience. I only adopted Ralph 2 months before meeting Blaine and pretty much only a few months before Blaine became an integral part of our lives. I believe they two of them truly bonded when I had jury duty and Blaine came over to my house to take care of him during the day. I believe Blaine made me realize just what an amazing bond Ralph and I had. He pointed out how I was his person very early on in the relationship, and I started to notice that he really did treat me differently. Ralph used to like to sneak into the neighbor's yard where lived a Golden Retriever named Maddy. They used to bark at each other and one time she actually bit him on the side. He came running back to our yard straight past Blaine who had open arms ready to embrace him right into my arms. Ralph always knew about 5 minutes before I came home. Blaine said he would do his thing all day and then right before the garage door opened he would run downstairs and wait at the door for me. He was amazing that way.

My Dad is at the airport making his way back to Hong Kong, I picked him up August 3rd and he was here for his annual trip to see me. My mother has been here since May 23rd and she leaves basically August 22nd. Both parents were there for me when I've been dealing with the passing of Ralph. I always feel sad saying bye to them but this time I feel particularly sad because I feel older and that the time I get to see my loved ones is so limited. Cherish every moment and take the ones you love seriously.

Today I saw on facebook that a friend's dog Lucy passed away on August 11th 2018, her mother dated her from December 26th 2003 - August 11th 2018. My heart goes out to them because I know what a huge hole their loss leaves in our soul. The dates are so similar to my Ralph November 23rd 2003 - August 7th 2018. We celebrate Ralph's birthday on November 11th (2002) and Helen Woodward told us that date but I'm pretty sure they arbitrarily made up a date. But it is nice to have a place marker to celebrate his birthday.

This is the photo memory that popped up on Amazon Photo for August 17th 2011. My sweetheart, please come visit me in a dream. I wish to see you again.

Lost Photos, Ashes and a Laugh

I came across an untitled draft and opened it to find these 2 photographs. They're blurry but they're another reminder of Ralph. I will post these photos in my ongoing recollections on life with Ralph. I wish I knew when these photos were taken. 

Yesterday Blaine messaged me that Ralph's ashes were ready to be picked up from Poway Animal Hospital. When I got home from work we left the house, the girls were both semi napping with my parents at home. (Side note it has been wonderful having my parents here in this difficult time) We went to Poway library first to pick up the prizes from the kids summer reading program. We then made our way to the vet's office. Blaine and I sat in the car talking and crying about things we remembered about Ralph. For some reason it was hard to go inside and ask for his ashes.When we finally went in one of us (don't remember who) said we're here to pick up Ralph. And then it seemed as though they were checking to see which patient we were there to pick up so Blaine quickly added, "unfortunately he's in a box." Once we received the beautiful box and paw print we started to cry again. Blaine thanked them for he plant they sent and I could barely say a word. I kept my sunglasses on to keep block the view of my eyes. We then went back to the car and had a little laugh at what just happened in the office. Even in this hard time Ralph can bring a smile to our face. 

After we got back with Ralph we all went out to dinner at Souplantation. Towards the end of dinner Blaine and I asked Ariel if she was done with her ice cream to which my father said in a stern voice, "let her finish." Blaine and I locked eyes and we both knew exactly what the other was thinking. Many years ago Ralph had chewed a hole in their carpet for which I was scolding him and giving him little taps on his behind. For when I was a little girl and dropped toothpaste on the ground my parents were very unhappy with me. Do I thought it was my duty to tell Ralph he was bad. But my father in that exact same voice and tone that he used on me for Ariel he said to me, "do not hit him," and took him away and held and patted him. I always loved that memory because I loved to see the affection my father who shows barely any emotion gave to my little boy. 

After dinner we went to North County mall so that my dad could get his 10,000 steps in. I wanted to check out the pet store just to see some sweet faces. Blaine, Ariel, Annabelle and myself went to the pet store. On the drive home Ariel sang us a song which I have partially recorded. I missed the part the said, "Ralph is eating, Ralph is chasing worms, Ralph is happy, I want to see Ralph again," but I got the part the said "I love Ralph, I miss Ralph." Ralph was around for all of Ariel's three years of life until now and all of Annabelle's 14 months of life.  

Nicknames

My nicknames for Ralph: Young Master Ralph, Pup E Pupster, BP, Boy Pup

Blaine's nicknames for Ralph: Nurse Puppingale, Pup Cub

Chris' nicknames for Ralph: Buddy

I've been working on a extended version to my video. I tried to preview the new video for my family but my 3 year old daughter says, "I don't want to watch Ralph" and starts to cry which in turn makes me cry. She then says she misses him and "he wants to come back home." Inside I wish so much that he could come back home as his healthy vibrant self.

I always said Ralph would be my one and only dog ever and Blaine has always said he's always had dogs his whole life. I always said Ralph was one of a kind and special. He was mine and I was his. For the first time I am finally thinking I might want another dog some day. Going through the rest of life without the possibility of pup love ever again seems kind of sad. I've been looking every day or so on Helen Woodward and I saw a cute pup. I'm not ready for a new one yet but I love to look at the  cute faces and imagine meeting them. For now I will have to indulge my imagination. Farrah caught my eye because she looks as though her eyes have the ability to see into your soul. Just like Ralph. I will not be getting a dog for at least 10 years but it does not hurt to look.

 

Corn Chip Paws

It has been one week since I said goodbye to my dear friend Ralph. I still wake up with my heart pounding and a huge headache thinking about you but it is much less frequent and I feel the slightest bit better. It gives me hope that I can carry on even without you by my side.

My posts are short but I do what I can in between working a full time 8 hours and getting home to a 3 year old and a 14 month old. Sometimes I feel so much guilt over having to split time between everyone when I used to give Ralph my everything before the girls were born.

Today I thought about Ralph's corn chip scented paws and the little dots of different slightly brindle gray splashes of hair on his silky white paws. The little bump he had on his left ear that developed over age. The calcification spot I used to feel of his left rib whenever he would lay on me or I would carry him. The way you loved getting haircuts from me and would sit there so still and look at me with us loving eyes. The way his face would look when I would rub his head and feel his soft pointy ears between my fingers. I miss how his head fit perfecting under my chin. The way his breath and mine used to sync up and I would feel like I was in heaven on earth. His breathe used to blow onto my neck but it was the most comforting feeling. The way he enthusiastically kissed my mouth and face. Before having a dog I would have thought this was the most disgusting thing and I probably would with any other dog besides Ralph. The way he'd wait for me to come out of the  shower and lick my toes and legs..

I miss that smile when you tongue would stick out all the way.

Honor Ralph

In the past 5 days I've cried soft cries, uncontrollable chest and belly cries, tear-less cries, tear filled snot nosed cries. I have gotten to the point where I am not constantly crying but I am most vulnerable to my thoughts when I am driving alone or when I lay in bed at night. I am still fearful that I won't see my Ralph again. I ask for signs from him and I've actually felt his presence which has brought me a some comfort. Friday afternoon when I drove my usual route home from work which I had for years, I was crying and saying out loud "I miss you Ralph" I looked to my left and saw a waving flag that said "HAPPY" with a paw print on it, there was a dog groomers that for all these years I had never noticed. Why did I notice the words "happy" with a paw print at this very moment? I felt like he was speaking to me, telling me he wanted me to be happy. To every dog lover to has reached out to me I appreciate your words. Nothing takes the pain away but it does mean something that you cared to send me thoughts. Here is to the journey in healing after losing my soulmate best furry friend. To anyone who ever saw us in person, you would see how deep our love ran and that we had a connection unlike any other. Love has no boundary between species and I believe he truly was a great love of my life which I never knew was possible. I say "a" love because I have many loves of my life all unique and all great to me. Before Ralph I did not even know dogs were so intelligent and capable of reading us and loving us back as much as we love them.

My mother looked at me with great concern last night said "honor Ralph by loving yourself as much as you loved him" because he would want that for you. I think I will try to write down as many memories of Ralph as I can but I will move it to the blog I had started dedicated to him which I never really got started. His passing has inspired me to recollect all the amazing and even challenging times. Now that I am older and also now that I have 2 children I am extremely busy taking care of them but my memory is not as strong. So I want to preserve what I can in writing. Head on over to the blog he is loved for future posts.

It was my mother who suggested I get a pet when living alone in San Diego. My friend Kevin and I decided to drive around to animals shelters on a Sunday afternoon. We took his gold/bronze Infinity and I believe our first stop was Escondido Humane Society. I did not see any dogs that I wanted to meet and in fact the person we spoke with kind of snickers at me that I would not find a small dog at a shelter. I was not feeling too hopeful when we left but we then headed to Helen Woodward Animal Shelter in Rancho Santa Fe. We signed in and walked through. I was only casually looking as I was not sure I was ready for the commitment of a pet. We did a round of the area where the dogs are kept. I had my eye one 2 dogs, Angie and Spirit. I did a meet and greet with Angie first who was a really friendly lovable pup. I think met Ralph was seemed aloof and more interested in escaping the room. Kevin was saying Angie was much more friendly but there was just something about Ralph that pulled me. Being a very indecisive person I kept thinking about how my house was my prepared for a dog nor had I any knowledge of caring for a dog plus I had not even studied for the final that I had the next day. I asked if I could place a hold on Ralph and they said they don't take holds. I took the leap of faith and filled out the paperwork. The person working in the office had to make an international phone call to my parents because they own the house to see if they are allowing a dog on their property. Thankfully because of the time difference my mother was just waking up in Hong Kong and was there to answer their phone call. She said of course and Spirit was officially mine on paper. After filling out the paperwork I went around their shop and bought him a bed, a collar and some food. Someone then brought that shy little pup out to me and to my surprise he jumped into my arms! Everyone in the office said that he knew he was coming home with me. He seemed so curious on the ride home in the backseat looking out the window. 

In Loving Memory of Ralph with me from November 23 2003 to August 7 2018

Foreword - I lost my dear sweet Ralph who was a long hair chihuahua and companion of 15 years. I feel an extreme void in my soul. I have not been able to rest since it happened on August 7th 2018 at 4:30 PM. My body is completely exhausted but every time I fall asleep I wake up with my heart racing and my chest and head pounding with any kind of thoughts of Ralph. Disbelief that he is gone. Did he know how much I loved him? Will I really see him again in heaven? Did I spend enough time with him (now that I have children)? Did I let him be in pain too long because I wanted more time with him? I have found a wonderful group on facebook called "The Rainbow Bridge Pet Loss and Grief Support" group and I highly recommend joining if you need to let out your sorrow to other people who are going through the same thing.

This blog is now about helping me heal. My mother suggested that I write down memories and thoughts about Ralph so that I will never forget. Wish me luck on my journey to healing! I feel at this very moment that I'll never feel normal again but a tiny voice inside gives me hope that I will some day be okay.

Here is the facebook post I wrote soon after saying good bye to him. It is honest and raw but also censored because I knew there was no way that people who have never loved a dog would understand my pain. So here was my simple reflection on the life we lived together (but inside my head is a much longer version that I will attempt to capture for myself) Along with this post I included the very first photo I took of him, a photo that captured his and my connection we had pure love and understanding like nothing I've ever experience and finally a photo that captured his essence and spirit when he was at his prime.

My sweetest little young master Ralph. I remember meeting you as Spirit at Helen Woodward Animal Center. You were skeptical and not making eye contact but when I came back after signing adoption papers you immediately jumped into my arms. That first night I brought you back home back in November 2003 we looked at each other and didn’t know what to do next. I never had a pup before and you never had a person before so there our adventure began. Thank you for the 15 years you’ve blessed my life. There are just too many things to list that I’ll miss about you. You were the best dog a girl could ask for and I will always have a place in my heart where you live. See you again some day but for now you’ll be at rainbow bridge







Cross posted on AngelaMakeupDiaries

Naps with Friends