Remembering My Dream

Last night I had a dream of a long haired blonde pup who I found abandoned. We felt an instant familiarity and I was contemplating taking her home. I felt she was a girl but she had some kind of a Ralph spirit to her. When I looked at her I thought I could see she was injured with bone exposed. Upon closer examination she was actually hollow. I decided against taking her so I placed her down and as she was sniffing a tree I ran away to my car and immediately felt as though I was abandoning her. As the car drove away I saw her look at me with sad eyes. As I became further she transformed into a resemblance of my daughters. Needless to say I woke up feeling sad. But in some strange way I also felt like I got a visit from you so happy too. My interpretation is you visited me in a different form, felt happiness for a brief moment only to realize we had to say good bye. I wrote this down knowing I will likely forget it otherwise.

Hello My Friend

Hello Ralph, It has been a while since I have written words to you but I speak them to you in my mind often. I find that during my monthly visitor when I am particularly sensitive I will miss you extra. The pain has changed as I can now see myself getting another furry baby some day in the future. Perhaps in 3 to 5 years when the girls are older I can see myself opening up my heart to another fur baby. They could never take your place as the love I have for you is the deepest I have ever known. I love you differently than any other relationship. This does not mean to say that I love my human family less but the type of love is different. It was just you and me for some time before my human family came along and for that I will never forget our bond. You have shown me true love and unconditional friendship. When I had to say goodbye I felt the deepest despair for which I thought I would not survive emotionally. But thankfully my family and time has helped me to continue. I am so grateful to have experienced our connection even though it ended in the deepest pain. Today I can say that I am doing well and I wanted you to know. Love always.

Missing You Extra Today

Today is a hard day. I just want to see you again, walk next to you, hug you and smell you. I wonder about you and if you exist somewhere like rainbow bridge. I wish so deeply to know that you're doing well and that you forgive me for letting you go. I feel so much guilt sometimes for not being able to spend as much as time as you your last few years with having my human babies. Your absence in this world stings more than I could have ever imagined. I wish I could visit with you just to be assured that you're doing well.

Snow White

The night of December 30th I had a dream about you, you were different than I had ever seen but I knew it was you. Your whole body was covered in fluffy snow white fur and some how I knew it was from your age. You were an old wise pup now and still by my side. You were healthy but old and so very cute. I was really happy when I woke up to have a dream about you. Another visit from your soul. I told this story to Blaine on our drive to a New Year's Eve party at the North Library near UTC. When I told him I could feel the tears swell up in my eyes. Even now writing this I have the same thing happening to me.

A few days ago Ariel asked us (and I'm pretty sure she asked because she heard me tell Blaine about my dream) where Ralph went to live. And I tried to say he had passed on, no longer in this world. But she was confused and said, "but where did he go I miss him. We said bye to him so I want to see him again." I can tell she is confused and it is hard for her to understand. 

First Christmas Without You

It' been a while since I last posted. It seems like I skipped November as far as blogs go. It means I'm learning to live without you but it does not mean I will ever stop missing you. In November I was preparing to go to Hong Kong for a three week vacation with Ariel and Annabelle and of course your Dad Blaine. Upon the end of our trip I just kept thinking about returning to an empty house. The first time I ever came back from a trip for as long as I could remember and you were not there to welcome me back. I cried at night during those jet lagged nights back home.

Today I was listening to some songs that brought me back to before I met you. When I felt very lonely and moping around over failed relationships. I thought about how when I first got you were there to help me get better and it has come full circle. I am now the saddest I have ever felt feeling like a huge hole is in my heart and life. How strange that it came to be that you helped me but in losing you I feel more pain than I've ever experienced. But at least I am in a better place in my life so in that way you helped me live a fuller life. I am so lucky I got to experience you for over a decade though it will never feel like it was enough. 

Routines

Yesterday I thought about how you knew my routine so well. You knew when I was finished getting ready to start the day. Just as I would finish my last step of putting on my watch (when I still wore one) or the more latter spraying my face with setting spray I would hear a thump and a jingle jangle. It was you getting ready to accompany me to walk down the stairs to let you outside. I heard from those at home that you also knew 5 minutes before I would get home because you would run down the stairs too. A pup who could tell time. I miss you so much. Yesterday my chest quivered so hard - I dont think my body has ever hurt so much from a cry before. I found it hard to breathe. Sometimes I live with regret that you only made it to 15 years old. How could it be that you were so healthy at 14 years old then had a terribly rough last year? Was it something that I did wrong? Did you feel too lonely with 2 human baby siblings? Was there something I could have done differently. These are questions that will never be answered in this life time.

"Until one has loved an animal a part of one's soul remains unawakened" -Anatole France

Not In the Flesh But In Spirit

Yesterday I was having a tough time dealing with your loss again. Someone had asked me who the cutie in the picture on my desk was. I had to say, "my dog who is no longer with me." Then I started to clean out things that belonged to you. Each item I touch flashed me back to the moment I picked that item out and what my intention of it was to use it on you. I picked out a few harnesses that were useless and you never got to use. It made me think about the time I took you to Walmart with me for the very first time. Also the first time we visited petco with your friend Kevin who was trying to see if you liked the smell of salmon treats. I saw the paper of an event we attended together the Walk for Animals where that had names and amounts of pledges. I had a very hard time throwing any of these things away. The items I allowed myself to part with were the medicines and your teeth cleaner.

Last night I had a dream that you ate like a normal pup and you did not throw up at all. Unlike my other dreams where I was aware you had passed and that I was dreaming this time I was unaware and thought you were better. I thought you were healed and was so happy that you were eating with a normal appetite again. You were more the pup I remembered - pleasingly full and not skinny. I hope this is a sign from you letting me know you ARE actually still with me in spirit even if not in flesh letting me know you ARE actually happy and feeling better.