Routines

Yesterday I thought about how you knew my routine so well. You knew when I was finished getting ready to start the day. Just as I would finish my last step of putting on my watch (when I still wore one) or the more latter spraying my face with setting spray I would hear a thump and a jingle jangle. It was you getting ready to accompany me to walk down the stairs to let you outside. I heard from those at home that you also knew 5 minutes before I would get home because you would run down the stairs too. A pup who could tell time. I miss you so much. Yesterday my chest quivered so hard - I dont think my body has ever hurt so much from a cry before. I found it hard to breathe. Sometimes I live with regret that you only made it to 15 years old. How could it be that you were so healthy at 14 years old then had a terribly rough last year? Was it something that I did wrong? Did you feel too lonely with 2 human baby siblings? Was there something I could have done differently. These are questions that will never be answered in this life time.

"Until one has loved an animal a part of one's soul remains unawakened" -Anatole France

Not In the Flesh But In Spirit

Yesterday I was having a tough time dealing with your loss again. Someone had asked me who the cutie in the picture on my desk was. I had to say, "my dog who is no longer with me." Then I started to clean out things that belonged to you. Each item I touch flashed me back to the moment I picked that item out and what my intention of it was to use it on you. I picked out a few harnesses that were useless and you never got to use. It made me think about the time I took you to Walmart with me for the very first time. Also the first time we visited petco with your friend Kevin who was trying to see if you liked the smell of salmon treats. I saw the paper of an event we attended together the Walk for Animals where that had names and amounts of pledges. I had a very hard time throwing any of these things away. The items I allowed myself to part with were the medicines and your teeth cleaner.

Last night I had a dream that you ate like a normal pup and you did not throw up at all. Unlike my other dreams where I was aware you had passed and that I was dreaming this time I was unaware and thought you were better. I thought you were healed and was so happy that you were eating with a normal appetite again. You were more the pup I remembered - pleasingly full and not skinny. I hope this is a sign from you letting me know you ARE actually still with me in spirit even if not in flesh letting me know you ARE actually happy and feeling better.

Aching Heart

Today my heart hurts a little extra from missing you. Thoughts of you still pop into my head nearly every day. I struggle lately with a few flashbacks of the end and how for about a year I could feel you slipping away.

Ariel turned into Ralph

Today I was replying to a message on google chat and was talking about Ariel. I automatically typed Ralph's name while actively thinking of and meaning to write Ariel. I'm a little puzzled but then also comforted by seeing his named typed by me by accident.

We'll Have A Party

Yesterday Ariel sang her Ralph song that went something like this. "I want to play in the sky with Ralphie. Doggies come home, they always do. And when Ralph comes home we'll have a party and he'll eat again." I thought I was not going to cry but then when I saw Blaine tear up then welp that was it for me too.

Someday when I see you again Ralph I hope we can all have a party together as one big happy family.

Answers I'll Never Know

Yesterday I thought of you often and wept a few times. I had been coping decently without crying every day but yesterday I was especially missing you. I also felt a sense of anger, anger that I can no longer spend time with you again. Life without you is different and I feel a sense of sadness that it will never be with you again. Sometimes I really wish I could turn back time and relive some of our time together. Sometimes I wonder if at the end you remembered my face since you could no longer see. Did you still know it was me holding you? Did you remember me? Were you afraid? This is my first time grieving someone whom I really loved. Ralph you were the greatest love and lose of my life up to this point. I will never forget you but I also hope to love a soul again in the same way I loved you. I love my family but it is different from the way I loved you. You were my friend who always showed me kindness no matter how I felt.