Mid Lick Pause

This morning when I woke up I thought about how Ralph used to lick my face and his paws and how he would sometimes stop mid lick and look to the side as if he were thinking about what noise he had just heard. I can reply an image if him doing that now. What a precious memory.

Wolf or Coyote Dream

Last night I had a dream that we had a wolf or coyote in our backyard growling at Blaine and myself with only the screen door between us. Blaine ran upstairs to grab something to protect us and I remember thinking it was going to be like a stick or something but he brought Ralph over. Then I was so happy the wolf was a little afraid of the boy pup. It must have been his scent or the way Ralph lunged at big golden retrievers. He wasn't afraid of a big dog. I held him in my arms and he was back to his plump little self then I became aware this was just a dream but still so happy he was in my arms. How lucky I am to have had that dream and hold him again.

Boikey

Almost 7 weeks since we said good bye and not a day goes by that I haven't thought of you. The way I feel my grief has changed. Though on a surface level I do seem to be handling it much better. But I sometimes I lament how life was "better" with you in it but seeing as I'll never see you in this life again I need to find a way to stop thinking that way. I look on Helen Woodward nearly every single day to see if there is another pup that catches my eye even though I know for our family with children this young it makes no sense to have a puppy yet. I guess it is just the hope that I'll catch a glimpse of another boikey (another nickname I had for Ralph) like yourself. I have found glimpses like Gary and a few other pups. I know no other pup will be special in the way that you were to me but I do hope that I'll find one that I love a lot in a special way again.

Frank

Today I thought about how Blaine remembered your name as Frank. When he told other people about meeting my dog. Perhaps it is because I gave you such a human name Ralph. Do you remember when you first met your future daddy you sat at the perch of his shoulder like a pirate's parrot. You were nice but looked at him suspiciously. You were such a protective little buddy that you always wedged yourself between us. I loved it. Do you remember how you blamed him for an accident you made in the house. It was too funny how you barked at him when he found your poop at the top of the stairs and this is while you were well potty trained. In your life you rarely made a potty mistake after having you for 6 months. You were a very well house trained companion. I am so proud that you were such a great pup in that way. It was not until the last few months of your life that you needed a lot of assistance. Miss you every day. Hugs and kisses - your mom.

Blankets and Dreams

Last night Ralph came to me in a dream. In this dream I was fully aware that I was dreaming but then so grateful to have the experience of holding Ralph again. I held him with my left hand supporting his belly and rib cage.

Yesterday afternoon Ariel said to me that I was using Ralphie's blanket and pointed to where he used to nap and lay and told me to put it back. It made me tear up a little. I waited until the kids were in bed to have a huge cry about missing him.

Last night I also refreshed the browser on my phone and saw that Gary was adopted. I knew he would, he has such a sweet face.

Potty Training

Last night I had the memory of when I had just gotten Ralph and it was only he and I who lived together. The first time he followed me into my bathroom when I peed he watched me and proceeded to pee right there. Ha - I have not thought about how he did that in such a long time. It must be sign from him that there still so many buried sweet memories. These are the kinds of memories I hope to continue to resurface for the rest of my life.

Running Past Us

Last night Blaine and I saw a memory notification of us at the beach with Ralph. He had a his classic smile and as Blaine called him a Sentinel Pup because of the way he would sit up and watch. Such a cutie. It brought tears joy to both of us remember those things. Another fun thing we recalled was how when we would take him to dog beach or parks and let him off leash he would always do this cheeky thing where he would bound towards us with a huge smile but at the last second dodge us and run past us and keep going as though he was going to run off away from us. Without a doubt we would always then turn around and chase after him as if he thought it was a game then he would let us catch up to him. How lucky I was to have experienced Ralph's love for the brief period of my life from 2003-2018. Only 15 years but he left such a mark on my soul. I hope to meet you again some day although unfortunately I'm not sure what happens to us when we leave this life.

Soft Bite

This weekend I thought about how Ralph never bit me. Whenever we would play and he would get a hold of my hand he would turn his grip into a very soft licky grip. He would always completely change the way his bite was from when he was biting Blaine or his toys into a very affectionate lick and bump my hand with his nose. Everyone would notice how he was different with me.

My friend Selena gave me a necklace with Ralph's picture and an engraving on the back. I absolutely love it. I would wear it all the time except for my children wanting to rip it off and keep it for themselves. I tried wearing it and they kept pulling on it so I need to wear it sparingly until they are old enough not to break it. Actually I should make them their own too.

The Circle

Last night when it was time to lay my body down to rest I stumbled upon a video that YouTube had suggested for me. Of course they must know I am missing my sweet Ralph. This video touched me and made me shed some gut wrenching tears for my boy.

Gary of BH

Last night I did my usual when I wind down for bed I look on my phone at long hair chihuahua mixes that are up for adoption. I don't know why I look before I am not ready for one in my heart yet. Also, the family is not ready for a dog at this time either. I guess it is just another coping mechanism to heal the hole left in my heart. I across this dog named Gary, a 6 year old adult puperoni who I would go visit in a heartbeat if we were ready. His gorgeous smile, a little dirt on his nose (probably from sticking his face somewhere), what a cute ears too. I just love something about him. He's super cute so I have no doubt some lucky family will get to enjoy him.

Today on my walk with my friend she talked about taking her dogs for their annual checkups. It made me talk about you quite a bit again. I mentioned how before you got sick that every vet appointment your checkup bill of health was always excellent,. You were always impressing the vets with your muscular body and clean teeth. For such a little pup you could sure jump amazing heights. Your ability to walk on narrow unsteady walkways like behind couches and on jagged rocks. A 9 lb rock star you were. I find myself wishing so often to embrace you again. 

On this day in 2010 this was Addy's birthday (which I am told is actually the 15th tomorrow)

Missing You

Missing you never goes away. It has been 4 weeks and 1 days since I had to say goodbye to you. How I still think of you multiple times a day. Today on my walk I thought about you beside me and I wondered if even we had not been in this spot together before would we ever meet in a spot we've never been together before? Then it got me to thinking about what happens to us when we are no longer in the flesh again. I thought something about you that I wanted to write down but it escapes me now. 

Helen Woodward Visit

Yesterday we went to Souplantation then Helen Woodward Animal Center. HWAC is currently under construction and looks completely unrecognizable compared to the last few times I went there. When we pulled into the lot Ariel asked if it was time to pick up Ralph. Oh how I wish we could do that. I long to see my young adult but still healthy Ralph. I saw a few pups but none that really grabbed me. They don't seem to have many pups at that facility. Blaine and I wonder if they are becoming more of a large animal (horses) rescue center. It would make sense since there is a need for it and other places already take dogs. Seeing other dogs makes me realize it might be a very long time before I am ready to adopt another (if ever).

I picked some candid photos of Ralph so I could remember how much he was a part of our family.

Candid photo September 4 2015

Candid photo September 4 2016

In the afternoon we went to Sea World which was a lot of fun, I went on two rides with my little girls. Annabelle was not enjoying the rides too much. As far as the Sea Dragon Drop I was a little worried she was going to some how contort her small body and slip out the bottom so I had a firm grip on her. We had dinner there as well for the first time which was a lot of fun because it made it feel like a staycation. Afterwards we took a look at the Sea Turtles since Annabelle loves aquariums. Then Blaine realized that the show Cirque Electrique was about to start. We've seen it twice and let me tell you, it is really awesome. Especially the bit with the man who is on some hover board con traption that is attached to a jet ski. Amazingly cool. So we ran towards it but were waved away because the stadium was packed. So Blaine had the idea of riding the Sky Ride to watch it from behind. Mind you we had already watched the show front row a few weeks ago so I was up for trying from a new view. It was such a great experience watching from the sky and because no one was waiting in line for the ride they let us ride without exiting the ride! I will always remember what an awesome evening this was. And the icing on the cake was afterwards we have a completely unobstructed view of the fireworks on the path from the Sky Ride. I have to say it does not seen like Sea World is hurting go business this summer and they did a really nice job of their attractions this year. I am so glad we got the annual passes at the end of 2017.

Annabelle at Sea World August 2nd 2018

Handsome Pup

You are the most unique dog I’ve ever seen. I’m sure most dogs would think their own was special. But Ralph really was something special. He had a look that I knew he could see my soul. I’ve never loved someone as purely as him. I wish I knew exactly what mix he was so I could find another who reminds me of him. We are not ready to open our home to another pup but it heals me to look. Your snout was the perfect shape. What a cute feathery tail you had. Regal lions mane. Pure white chest fur. Perfect chocolate and gray coat. Like nothing I’ve ever seen. Beautiful paw pads with the most perfect fluffy fur. Whoever designed you inside and out had amazing taste.

Do you remember how you used to mark your people when we were out and about? What a silly pup you were using me, daddy and Kevin as your tree at beaches and dog parks. Always bringing laughter to us.

Ariel asks to watch your video then cries and says she does like it. I think she doesn’t understand why she feels sad.