Raccoon Sighting

I remember the time Ralph spotted a large raccoon in the backyard. You alerted us by giving a cry you so unique to any sound you’ve ever made. It was fascinating to see your instincts kick in to protect us. What a smart dog you were. Remember when we would pass by other dogs you were suspicious of you would slink down low and crawl towards them like a large cat stalking their prey. Your little quirks were such a joy to observe. Today was a non crying day. I’ve very grateful for this days because while I still miss you all the time I feel more comforted and at peace. I’m learning to live with knowing in this life I’ll never see you again. I still wonder about if I’ll ever see you again. But is it better to live the rest of my life thinking it’s not possible? Even if we really cease to exist once we pass is it a way to life believing that? Or will I have more comfort keeping hope for the rest of my life that there is a possibility we may reunite. Maybe the key to living is having a positive outlook and don’t fear the unknown. This most devastating loss has quite honestly changed me to the core as human being. I am much more grateful for each and every moment in my life. I have been inspired not to waste what precious finite  time we all have. Thank you Ralph for saving me in more ways than one. Though losing you has made me physically weaker and emotionally drained. Our cherished bond has made me stronger of the mind.

A Visit

This evening after putting the girls to sleep Blaine and I heard one of the girls toys go off. We thought maybe it was coming from the girls room but I recognized it as being the sound of their toys. I had heard the noise coming from downstairs in the room the Ralph likes to nap. I once again had a momentary scare. But Blaine and I wondered if you Ralph had come to say hello to us. We both wept for a good 15 minutes and talked about how much we miss him. How it is not the same without him and how we wished we could go back to 15 years ago. For how sad we feel in this moment that he is no longer here he gave us so much happiness in the 15 years prior. I will never stop missing you Ralph. Please come to visit more often.

Jingle Jangle

Last night as I was walking up the stairs in the dark I heard a familiar sound, it was loud and it was clear it was the sound of pup nails scratch on the carpet. Ralph would scratch the carpet and spin around in circles before sitting down. It was the strangest thing. It actually scared me and I was too scared to look around to see where the noise came from. I had flashes of the movie Pet Cemetery and it was not the thought of a zombie pet that frightened me it was the image I remember of the Zombie person coming back. After putting that creepy thought away I felt comfort in knowing my Ralph might actually have been sending me a sign. I told Blaine about this incident and how I must be losing my mind. He said he's thought he's heard the sound of his jingle jangle recently. The sound he would make with his collar and tags when he walked around.

When Ralph was of this living world he saved me from myself. Everyone has their own baggage and insecurities. His companionship was like no other. The first 2 weeks I was a wreck missing him. I'm still missing him immensely. However, I actually feel some sort of strength in trying to improve my life. I think he is sending me a sign to save me again.

May 31st 2010

New Beginnings

Today was Ariel's first day of school ever, she went a full 7:30 AM to 3:30 PM today. She was really excited and easy to drop off. We are supposed to leave a family photo in the near future for them. I wish I had more pictures of our whole family that include Ralph. I always thought that I would be sad to see my first child start school because it would mark time going by faster. In fact this was not the case at all, I was very much looking forward to letting her start a new adventure in life. I guess that is just part of being a human parent.

I'm a little sick today, the whole family has been sick and I thought I was going to miss out on it but it finally caught up to me yesterday. I already was beginning to feel physically ill but as I lay down I looked at some pictures of Ralph as a vibrant pup, one who used to jump high and wiggle his body around as he got air. He would jump on my really high Ethan Allan four post bed and sofa backings with ease. Tears streamed down my face and I could feel my chest aching. Annabelle woke me up crying a few times last night and I felt so much like I wanted pass on to the afterlife through the night. It's a new day and a new chance to get better.

Relationships Sparkle More than Diamonds

Yesterday Blaine and I took the girls on an evening trip to Huntington Beach to drop off something for his work. We reminisced about how I would have a lap pup on drives like those. He would cuddle on my lap in a certain way and look up sweetly at Blaine. At night time his eyes would glisten in the light. It is a beautiful memory we have. 

Back to our crazy evening trip - long story short this evening trip turned into a memorable adventure. For the sake of keeping this memory forever I will just say a few things. Key pick up, Carlsbad Outlet, chips ahoy, client house, fleas on Blaine, meet the neighbors, Blaine's impromptu shower, Ariel needing to potty multiple times in same (very nice) neighbor's house, neighbor's cute senior pup, fruit packet puree, string cheese, applesauce, milk, sand bucket toy, my legs covered in mosquito bites, Diamond at the Jamboree, H Mart, crowded, no seating, Vietnamese food, more potty trips. If that doesn't indicate "adventure" I am not sure what would. Thank goodness for snacks and nice people in this world. It was a difficult night but in hindsight I had a great time. 

We got home just past midnight where we quickly got everyone showered. As I was putting Ariel to bed she said, I miss Ralph. I wonder if it was because she saw the dog today. I believe I heard her call the dog Ralph. Bless her heart. She then said Paw Paw went to legoland with us and now she's not here. And Gung Gung is not here either. I think this year she notices and is bothered by people missing. For her 3 years of life this time her mom's pup left and has not come back.

When I had to wake up this morning for work at 6 AM I was dead to the world but all I could remember was that I had a dream about salad and blue cheese dressing before Annabelle woke me up at 5 AM (before I had to wake for work). I nurse her back to sleep and then got myself ready. Why did my interrupted vivid dream of salad leave an impression on me? It showed me that I still have the ability to experience things in dreams. I'm still waiting for Ralph to visit me in one. I'll be waiting for the rest of my life. Thanks Ralph for teaching me to smell the roses and appreciate things along the way. I wish I had figured it out before you left but I'm so grateful to have had the journey that has left such an impression on my soul.

I'm super happy that I took at least thousands of pictures of Ralph so I will continue to include a few as long as I am at a computer.

On this day from 2008. A snuggle with my pup.

On this day from 2015. Ralph wearing Ariel's old onsie. I believe he was itchy due to the August heat.

National Dog Day 2018

Today is National Day Day and it made me cry when I posted this on Facebook. I’m crying now as I post this here as I miss him so. Ralph and I at Petco Park September 18, 2005. All the things in this photo make me happy from that flowery bag I used to carry around with all his stuff to my funny shirt, his snoopy and most of all his smile. Although he is no longer on earth since Aug 7th 2018 he is always in my heart. 🐶🌈😭😢.
Thank you everyone for continuing to let me grieve. I feel like I post a lot here.

Grief is Lonely

Yesterday I saw someone in my Rainbow Bridge Pet Loss Grief Support group mention about how it was a relief to have a safe place where others understand your pain. I agree and  it’s where I go to read stories and relate to others when life has moved on from Ralph’s passing but I am not yet ready.

Today I Struggled

The nights are the hardest. Ever since Ralph has left my blood pressure has probably been terrible. I feel my heart beating in the opposite way of when I would feel it with him lying on my chest. I actually fear that my health is declining from my broken heart. My whole life when I've gone through periods of stress - falling asleep was the hardest thing. Then usually my body starts to fall apart because I become clumsier. Two weeks ago I fell down in my bathtub after bathing my daughters. I got a huge painful bruise down my leg.

I chose not to wear eye makeup for several weeks because I knew I would be shedding many tears. If anyone knows me they will know my love and interest in makeup. Lately that interest has been halted. Anyway, I stopped crying constantly so I thought it was safe to wear mascara again. Of course this is the day that I chat with my brother Chris on Whatapp and the sorrow comes flooding back to me.

I always knew our time was not going to last forever but I never realized no matter the length it would never be enough.

It's been 17 nights without your furry presence. I'm still looking for signs that you're around spiritually. I hope that you're having too much fun in doggy heaven to notice sad me. But please visit me some day in a dream. You're welcome any time. I hope a vivid enough memory lives somewhere in my brain to make that meeting possible.

Ralph chilling on my neck (year's past 2009)

Ralph laying on my favorite blanket (year's past 2008)

Ralph at the top of the stairs (year's past 2005)

 Ralph chilling on my bed (year's past 2004)

Stretching paw, on my favorites things.

"I wish somebody would have told me babe

Some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won't forget
And all these reckless nights you won't regret
Someday soon, your whole life's gonna change
You'll miss the magic of these good old days"

lyrics from Macklemore and Kesha's Good Ole Days

Always On My Mind

I wrote that late night post on my phone when I was tossing and turning thinking about Ralph. After I had gotten the girls to bed and Blaine was not home yet from driving my mother to the airport. I was winding down getting ready for bed I watched a clip from the movie A Dog's Purpose which I have not seen yet. Rewind, today I felt particularly strong I've been able to think about Ralph, look at his pictures, watch his videos throughout the day without even feeling like crying. I think of happy memories yet I always miss him. In the movie the dog Bailey is reincarnated several times into different dog lives but the clip I saw he finds his way back to what I interpreted as his deeply connected soul person. So at that point I just lost it because the thought of being able to see my Ralphie again made me so emotional. I can't say if that emotion was sadness, happiness or hope. Maybe it was all of those feelings at the same time. I should have known better than to click on that preview for the sake of my own night of sleep.

Someone on the Rainbow Bridge group posted about being afraid that the memories she had were all from seeing photos and not actually remembering. Another person commented the following which I find to be so true. "I think it’s really fear of loss, intensified by grief. We’ve already lost them physically so we try to recall every single memory and then panic when we can’t. So much of life gets in the way of preserving our memories during the time they’re here with us. We become overwhelmed by everyday life, with work, paying bills, our health and modern day stress. All the things that interfere with our relationship with our pets. And then one day we try and recall them at a specific time and we can’t- because maybe we were grappling with other things in our lives at the time. We know they were there with us but the actual memories remain hidden because life got in the way! I wish we could replay those days again in slow motion; they were the best of days - we just didn’t know it..."

Today I am going to reach into my mind and come up with a memory not jogged from a photograph. (I will also share my amazon photo memories later) When I close my eyes and let my mind run free with the purpose of remembering Ralph I imagine my thumb nail fitting into his paw pads. How I would touch his soft pads and roll them in a circular motion. They would be slightly rough but have a gentle softness about them just the right amount of moisture. I think about his dew claw pad. How in his early days he would let me clip his nails but in the later years I had to take him to petco because I couldn't bare to hear him yelp. His nailed used to be clear when he was a pup so it was easy for me to make sure I didn't get him when I clipped. But they turned black and dark impossible for me to tell at a fairly early ate. He had perfectly wispy ear fur and a main that gave him the regal presence of a lion pup. He used to kiss me vigorously on the lips and I let him. I think other people were mortified to see me open mouth kiss my Ralph but it just felt so comfortable and right. Ha - and I used to be a germaphobe too. Sometimes he would kind of nibble my lip with the front of his teeth in an affectionate way. Probably like how I used to nibble the top of his head and ear when I thought he looked especially scrumptious. I actually understand how the expression "cute enough to eat" came to be. So our feeling towards each others cuteness felt pretty mutual. As I got older we didn't have time to be cuddly and kiss like that but I do miss the feel of his scratchy tongue and tickle of his whiskers against my face and even the saltiness of his kiss.

Family bonding time in (this day in 2015)

A sight I often saw was this fossil pup as we called him (this day in 2005)

Still Devastated by your Absence

I’m laying here awake completely consumed with thoughts of Ralph. Your absence tonight has consumed me. I miss you more than words can express.

The Mark of Summers End

To me the mark of summers end is my mother going back to her home in Hong Kong. I feel strange sense of sadness that our house will be emptier after today. She and I have really bonded since last year. I really appreciate having her presence and being part of my family. Annabelle was still a new born and quite fragile at the same time and last year Ralph first became very ill I fell into a depression. My mother made the decision to buy a new plane ticket because stupid JAL refused to change her flight and she changed her 3 month stay (original departure of August 19 2017 into a 6 month stay and left on Cathay Pacific on December 8th 2017. I will forever be grateful for her effort, time and money that she spent helping me last year. If only there were a way to show my gratitude.

Ralph fell ill around the end of June in 2017. He was vomiting everything he ate. I remember the first time I heard a sharp cry from him and found vomit. Blaine took him to the vet who did blood work. He ended up on several different medications including antibiotics (a few rounds), liver supplement, appetite enhancer, anti-nausea medication, pain killers, probiotics, acid reflux. He had X-rays and scans and more blood work. He went a few rounds of a few days and nights of hospitalization to replenish his fluids because he was also not drinking. He was fast becoming very weak and frail. My 9 lb Ralph because a 5.5 lb Ralph. Ralph ended up having a few test done none of which seemed to improve his bloodwork results. We were given a few more options by the VCA (by this time he was no longer seeing his normal vet we had been referred to the VCA) but I made my case that I was fearing that Ralph was suffering. So we stopped all medication and stopped taking him in for blood work. And in August I was worried that he might just drop dead at any moment. But miraculously by about this time last year Ralph actually got better when we took him off all the medication. Or at least he stopped vomiting and he ate again. But the fear that it might come back never left me. For the past 14 months Blaine and I made the decision not to take any big trips because in my gut we knew Ralph would be more comfortable at home. We did take a few small trips where my friend Janet helped me watch him. She has 2 fur babies and Ralph is very comfortable with their family. Ralph's regular vet seemed more understanding of our situation in that we wanted him to live out the rest of his life as comfortably as he could since we weren't able to find the cause of his problems. From August to November we seemed to have a semi-healthy pup who still enjoyed more of the things he previously did. However in December he stopped eating again. On a daily basis we tried absolutely everything we could think of from all the foods he ever enjoyed in his 15 years of life together. Occasionally he would eat some pumpkin puree, peanut butter, oatmeal, cheese and cheese ravioli. By this time he would not even touch his dog food (he was on prescription). He still took treats on the rare occasion. We took a final trip with him in April where we took him to visit his old friend Addy. That trip deserves a post on it's own so I will save that. The trip was stressful but in hindsight it was a beautiful one and I am so glad we got to take it with him. By the time we came back from that trip Ralph seemed to have accidents in the house which he never had before. He was perfectly trained and always let us know when he needed to go outside. I went on amazon and bought him a few sets of diapers which he then wore. I did not mind the accidents but the not eating part really stressed me us out. I think I need to save the rest for another post because I didn't plan on reliving our last year and I'm not quite ready to write down my feelings about the end. Ralph slept a lot the last year of his life. I find that most of my pictures of him were of him sleeping so that makes me sad.

Here are a few memories from year's past on this day that popped up on my facebook and amazon photo memories.

 Lake Tahoe pup (on this day in 2012)

Lake Tahoe pup in (on this day in 2012)

2015

Tucked paw pup sweetly hanging out with his new sister. Ralph was sweet to Ariel from the beginning and it was as though he knew she was part of the pack. He was such a smart pup with high EQ marks. I love and miss you everyday.

Always giving his love to grandma Loh and Ariel. What a family guy Ralph has been.
(on this day in 2015)

Ralpherella and Roni Pupster

2018 is the year of the great Build A Bear promo disaster where July 12 was a pay your age for ANY Build A Bear furry friend. We marked it on our calendars and I had work so my mother signed up in case they ended up going. I decided to look on instagram and saw that people were outraged about the fiasco. Long story short the ended the promo because of the insane crowds at the stores and ended up sending out $15 coupons to those who signed up. A few weeks ago we took the opportunity to do the pay your age for the birthday specific bears (birthday treat bear) for both Ariel and Annabelle. I helped Ariel name her bear Ralpherella. I don't even remember what I named Annabelle's bear. Last night we went and redeemed their $15 off coupon for Pawlette a bunny. Thankfully Ariel was sold on the idea of a furry friend that was $16.50 making theirs only $1.50 each before tax. Ha - luckily she is still young enough not to want the fancy colorful bears or add clothes and accessories. This time I helped Annabelle name her bunny Roni Pupster. Ariel named her bunny Hopster Red. It has been 2 weeks since we had to say goodbye on this earth and while I've finally been able to go almost a whole day without crying about you I still find ways to incorporate you into my life. Ariel has been saying how much she misses you and that she hopes you can come home in November. I wish you could come home and live with us again. I find myself still doubting and feeling sad that I might never see you again at rainbow bridge. It is after all a made up story made to help us cope and feel better about the restoration of your health and the possibility of meeting again. I never even accepted the slight possibility of heaven until losing you. I so desperately hope I get to see you again one day and hold you in my arms again, kiss your head and rub your ears.

A comment that I read on my pet loss support group. "Don't go back to the what ifs they are meaningless now focus on the good times and happy memories." In a way this blog has helped me relive some happy memories and for that I am thankful.

Relaxing at an Asian Festival I believe this was at NTC Park Liberty Station in San Diego, CA

Memories

Sleeping series of photos are from 2009

I realize I'll never stop missing you Ralph but I have not quite accepted that I'll never see you in this life again. Logic tells me that I have to find a way to live happily even with that knowledge. So I try to think back to before I knew you and how I was able to live. I was at a very lonely place in my head and heart before I met you. You were able to fill the void with such love. There is no better feeling that Ralph laying under my chin and feeling his breath on my neck. We was just so comfortable with me.


                            

                            

                            


Here are some of my memories without photos:

One time early you barked at Blaine when you had an accident to ask as if you were blaming him for the mess. By then you were well potty trained and had not had an accident in ages.

I remember the time you had a tick embedded deep in the back of your neck and Blaine and I pulled it out. That was a traumatizing experience for all of us especially for you.

I remember one time when I walked you down the street and you squealed and jumped as if something bit you. I never found out what it was but maybe it was a small bug bite.

I remember the time a loose dog bit came over to stiff you while we were on a walk and Blaine was trying to protect you so we lifted your leash away not realizing you were dangling. I was so upset and grabbed you. You then walked funny and we were mortified and worried you got hurt (and arguing about it) but later found out it was because you had a burr seed stuck in the hairs of your paw pad. Those used to get stuck in your paw pad a lot.

I remember the time a loose dog ran out of a house and bit you while on a walk. I scooped you up and this dog tried to drag you out of my arms. Thankfully you weren't hurt. We rang the doorbell of that dog's house and told the owners what just happened. Once again you were fine.

The time you saw a large animal in the backyard and alerted us by barking in a way that you never barked before. I caught a glimpse of it too but was not sure what it was, it was huge!

The time you cried like an actual human baby when you were naughty and I scolded you.

The time you jumped up to sit on the chair but banged your head on the table and flopped right over. You gave me a big scare when I saw you bounce off and roll over but you were just fine.

General behavior memories:

You used to toss a carrot at Blaine and myself and run figure eights whenever he and I would argue. It would always lighten the mood and bring us all back together.

The way you'd lick the inside of your paw pads when resting, the way you'd cross your front paws looking so regal.

When you were younger and able to jump over extremely high distances for a tiny little pup. You were able to do this up until about 2012. Up until the last few months you still ran up and down the stairs like a pro.

The way you would snarl your lips up at Blaine when he'd try to take you while we were together. LOL

                  

The way you'd sit there and look up into my face when I trimmed the furs around your face. It was like our quality time and we even got to have that one last night about a week before you passed. You were doing really poor and unable to see. I knew it was getting close to the end of our time together so it was probably really silly for me to even bother to trim your furs. But I felt a few dreadlocks and you sat there letting me trim them. After that you had about 4 good days where you would eat for us. I got my hopes up high like I had for the past year that you might start eating again. Every time you ate a little I would get excited and think you might get better. The truth is that you've been sleeping most of the time for the last year. In fact we were relieved when you were sleeping because was the only time that you seemed comfortable and peaceful. I am still completely shocked because you seemed in such good health just over 1 year ago. I thought you were going to live forever - ok maybe not forever but in my head you were going to make it to 20 no question and you were also going to be one of those pups that made it into the world record for the longest living dog. I suppose losing you at 15 almost 16 (I always say almost 16 as if that makes it better) is just as terrible as it would have been if you made it to 20. I miss you so much.

Stretches

For the first time in a long time I had a glorious 8+ hours of sleep. I think I was exhausted from my full day at legoland. At first I really didn’t want to go to legoland but the open hours made sense to go. And then I found myself not feeling too sad because I was distracted. And then I actually got a good night of sleep too which is great. When I woke up this morning I stretched my whole body and to thought about how Ralph used to stretch his whole body. How his front legs would rock outwards a little and how his front paws would be bent. Sometimes his paw pads open a little. Then when he would yawn his ears would bend backwards and his tail would sometimes reflex back. It was so very cute.

Blue Mornings

I woke up this Saturday morning still thinking of you Ralph. The days seem to get easier in that I’m no longer completely consumed with tears but I still have a soreness in my gut that remains. Yesterday on my drive home from work I thought I saw a cloud that looked a little like you. I also think lady bugs symbolize you. Ariel started dreaming of lady bugs the beginning of summer. The plant we received from the vets office has a ladybug figure in it. I hope to find enjoyment again instead of just going through motions without feeling.

It is now 10:27pm and I had an extremely busy day. I actually went a few hours today at Legoland where I didn’t think of Ralph. For now I think it might be a good thing to have him on my mind less. Since Ralph’s absence causes such deep sadness still. Maybe one day when I think of him I won’t be this sad.

Wish Upon A Dream

Last night I went through photos of Ralph as I have a scrapbook for him on facebook. Last night I feel like I was semi-awake and thinking of all those snapshots of our life together. It made me happy to see how vibrant he once was but again it made me miss him. I've been wishing for him to visit me in a dream but because I rarely dreamed of him when he was living I have worry and sadness that I won't dream of a meeting or living memory of him. That all I'll have are photographs. I am worried that my memories will fade and that thoughts of him won't be sharp enough to be reachable.

Losing Ralph has made me take a look at my other relationships. I've reflected upon the life Blaine and I made with Ralph. It was a beautiful experience. I only adopted Ralph 2 months before meeting Blaine and pretty much only a few months before Blaine became an integral part of our lives. I believe they two of them truly bonded when I had jury duty and Blaine came over to my house to take care of him during the day. I believe Blaine made me realize just what an amazing bond Ralph and I had. He pointed out how I was his person very early on in the relationship, and I started to notice that he really did treat me differently. Ralph used to like to sneak into the neighbor's yard where lived a Golden Retriever named Maddy. They used to bark at each other and one time she actually bit him on the side. He came running back to our yard straight past Blaine who had open arms ready to embrace him right into my arms. Ralph always knew about 5 minutes before I came home. Blaine said he would do his thing all day and then right before the garage door opened he would run downstairs and wait at the door for me. He was amazing that way.

My Dad is at the airport making his way back to Hong Kong, I picked him up August 3rd and he was here for his annual trip to see me. My mother has been here since May 23rd and she leaves basically August 22nd. Both parents were there for me when I've been dealing with the passing of Ralph. I always feel sad saying bye to them but this time I feel particularly sad because I feel older and that the time I get to see my loved ones is so limited. Cherish every moment and take the ones you love seriously.

Today I saw on facebook that a friend's dog Lucy passed away on August 11th 2018, her mother dated her from December 26th 2003 - August 11th 2018. My heart goes out to them because I know what a huge hole their loss leaves in our soul. The dates are so similar to my Ralph November 23rd 2003 - August 7th 2018. We celebrate Ralph's birthday on November 11th (2002) and Helen Woodward told us that date but I'm pretty sure they arbitrarily made up a date. But it is nice to have a place marker to celebrate his birthday.

This is the photo memory that popped up on Amazon Photo for August 17th 2011. My sweetheart, please come visit me in a dream. I wish to see you again.

Lost Photos, Ashes and a Laugh

I came across an untitled draft and opened it to find these 2 photographs. They're blurry but they're another reminder of Ralph. I will post these photos in my ongoing recollections on life with Ralph. I wish I knew when these photos were taken. 

Yesterday Blaine messaged me that Ralph's ashes were ready to be picked up from Poway Animal Hospital. When I got home from work we left the house, the girls were both semi napping with my parents at home. (Side note it has been wonderful having my parents here in this difficult time) We went to Poway library first to pick up the prizes from the kids summer reading program. We then made our way to the vet's office. Blaine and I sat in the car talking and crying about things we remembered about Ralph. For some reason it was hard to go inside and ask for his ashes.When we finally went in one of us (don't remember who) said we're here to pick up Ralph. And then it seemed as though they were checking to see which patient we were there to pick up so Blaine quickly added, "unfortunately he's in a box." Once we received the beautiful box and paw print we started to cry again. Blaine thanked them for he plant they sent and I could barely say a word. I kept my sunglasses on to keep block the view of my eyes. We then went back to the car and had a little laugh at what just happened in the office. Even in this hard time Ralph can bring a smile to our face. 

After we got back with Ralph we all went out to dinner at Souplantation. Towards the end of dinner Blaine and I asked Ariel if she was done with her ice cream to which my father said in a stern voice, "let her finish." Blaine and I locked eyes and we both knew exactly what the other was thinking. Many years ago Ralph had chewed a hole in their carpet for which I was scolding him and giving him little taps on his behind. For when I was a little girl and dropped toothpaste on the ground my parents were very unhappy with me. Do I thought it was my duty to tell Ralph he was bad. But my father in that exact same voice and tone that he used on me for Ariel he said to me, "do not hit him," and took him away and held and patted him. I always loved that memory because I loved to see the affection my father who shows barely any emotion gave to my little boy. 

After dinner we went to North County mall so that my dad could get his 10,000 steps in. I wanted to check out the pet store just to see some sweet faces. Blaine, Ariel, Annabelle and myself went to the pet store. On the drive home Ariel sang us a song which I have partially recorded. I missed the part the said, "Ralph is eating, Ralph is chasing worms, Ralph is happy, I want to see Ralph again," but I got the part the said "I love Ralph, I miss Ralph." Ralph was around for all of Ariel's three years of life until now and all of Annabelle's 14 months of life.  

Nicknames

My nicknames for Ralph: Young Master Ralph, Pup E Pupster, BP, Boy Pup

Blaine's nicknames for Ralph: Nurse Puppingale, Pup Cub

Chris' nicknames for Ralph: Buddy

I've been working on a extended version to my video. I tried to preview the new video for my family but my 3 year old daughter says, "I don't want to watch Ralph" and starts to cry which in turn makes me cry. She then says she misses him and "he wants to come back home." Inside I wish so much that he could come back home as his healthy vibrant self.

I always said Ralph would be my one and only dog ever and Blaine has always said he's always had dogs his whole life. I always said Ralph was one of a kind and special. He was mine and I was his. For the first time I am finally thinking I might want another dog some day. Going through the rest of life without the possibility of pup love ever again seems kind of sad. I've been looking every day or so on Helen Woodward and I saw a cute pup. I'm not ready for a new one yet but I love to look at the  cute faces and imagine meeting them. For now I will have to indulge my imagination. Farrah caught my eye because she looks as though her eyes have the ability to see into your soul. Just like Ralph. I will not be getting a dog for at least 10 years but it does not hurt to look.

 

Corn Chip Paws

It has been one week since I said goodbye to my dear friend Ralph. I still wake up with my heart pounding and a huge headache thinking about you but it is much less frequent and I feel the slightest bit better. It gives me hope that I can carry on even without you by my side.

My posts are short but I do what I can in between working a full time 8 hours and getting home to a 3 year old and a 14 month old. Sometimes I feel so much guilt over having to split time between everyone when I used to give Ralph my everything before the girls were born.

Today I thought about Ralph's corn chip scented paws and the little dots of different slightly brindle gray splashes of hair on his silky white paws. The little bump he had on his left ear that developed over age. The calcification spot I used to feel of his left rib whenever he would lay on me or I would carry him. The way you loved getting haircuts from me and would sit there so still and look at me with us loving eyes. The way his face would look when I would rub his head and feel his soft pointy ears between my fingers. I miss how his head fit perfecting under my chin. The way his breath and mine used to sync up and I would feel like I was in heaven on earth. His breathe used to blow onto my neck but it was the most comforting feeling. The way he enthusiastically kissed my mouth and face. Before having a dog I would have thought this was the most disgusting thing and I probably would with any other dog besides Ralph. The way he'd wait for me to come out of the  shower and lick my toes and legs..

I miss that smile when you tongue would stick out all the way.

Honor Ralph

In the past 5 days I've cried soft cries, uncontrollable chest and belly cries, tear-less cries, tear filled snot nosed cries. I have gotten to the point where I am not constantly crying but I am most vulnerable to my thoughts when I am driving alone or when I lay in bed at night. I am still fearful that I won't see my Ralph again. I ask for signs from him and I've actually felt his presence which has brought me a some comfort. Friday afternoon when I drove my usual route home from work which I had for years, I was crying and saying out loud "I miss you Ralph" I looked to my left and saw a waving flag that said "HAPPY" with a paw print on it, there was a dog groomers that for all these years I had never noticed. Why did I notice the words "happy" with a paw print at this very moment? I felt like he was speaking to me, telling me he wanted me to be happy. To every dog lover to has reached out to me I appreciate your words. Nothing takes the pain away but it does mean something that you cared to send me thoughts. Here is to the journey in healing after losing my soulmate best furry friend. To anyone who ever saw us in person, you would see how deep our love ran and that we had a connection unlike any other. Love has no boundary between species and I believe he truly was a great love of my life which I never knew was possible. I say "a" love because I have many loves of my life all unique and all great to me. Before Ralph I did not even know dogs were so intelligent and capable of reading us and loving us back as much as we love them.

My mother looked at me with great concern last night said "honor Ralph by loving yourself as much as you loved him" because he would want that for you. I think I will try to write down as many memories of Ralph as I can but I will move it to the blog I had started dedicated to him which I never really got started. His passing has inspired me to recollect all the amazing and even challenging times. Now that I am older and also now that I have 2 children I am extremely busy taking care of them but my memory is not as strong. So I want to preserve what I can in writing. Head on over to the blog he is loved for future posts.

It was my mother who suggested I get a pet when living alone in San Diego. My friend Kevin and I decided to drive around to animals shelters on a Sunday afternoon. We took his gold/bronze Infinity and I believe our first stop was Escondido Humane Society. I did not see any dogs that I wanted to meet and in fact the person we spoke with kind of snickers at me that I would not find a small dog at a shelter. I was not feeling too hopeful when we left but we then headed to Helen Woodward Animal Shelter in Rancho Santa Fe. We signed in and walked through. I was only casually looking as I was not sure I was ready for the commitment of a pet. We did a round of the area where the dogs are kept. I had my eye one 2 dogs, Angie and Spirit. I did a meet and greet with Angie first who was a really friendly lovable pup. I think met Ralph was seemed aloof and more interested in escaping the room. Kevin was saying Angie was much more friendly but there was just something about Ralph that pulled me. Being a very indecisive person I kept thinking about how my house was my prepared for a dog nor had I any knowledge of caring for a dog plus I had not even studied for the final that I had the next day. I asked if I could place a hold on Ralph and they said they don't take holds. I took the leap of faith and filled out the paperwork. The person working in the office had to make an international phone call to my parents because they own the house to see if they are allowing a dog on their property. Thankfully because of the time difference my mother was just waking up in Hong Kong and was there to answer their phone call. She said of course and Spirit was officially mine on paper. After filling out the paperwork I went around their shop and bought him a bed, a collar and some food. Someone then brought that shy little pup out to me and to my surprise he jumped into my arms! Everyone in the office said that he knew he was coming home with me. He seemed so curious on the ride home in the backseat looking out the window. 

In Loving Memory of Ralph with me from November 23 2003 to August 7 2018

Foreword - I lost my dear sweet Ralph who was a long hair chihuahua and companion of 15 years. I feel an extreme void in my soul. I have not been able to rest since it happened on August 7th 2018 at 4:30 PM. My body is completely exhausted but every time I fall asleep I wake up with my heart racing and my chest and head pounding with any kind of thoughts of Ralph. Disbelief that he is gone. Did he know how much I loved him? Will I really see him again in heaven? Did I spend enough time with him (now that I have children)? Did I let him be in pain too long because I wanted more time with him? I have found a wonderful group on facebook called "The Rainbow Bridge Pet Loss and Grief Support" group and I highly recommend joining if you need to let out your sorrow to other people who are going through the same thing.

This blog is now about helping me heal. My mother suggested that I write down memories and thoughts about Ralph so that I will never forget. Wish me luck on my journey to healing! I feel at this very moment that I'll never feel normal again but a tiny voice inside gives me hope that I will some day be okay.

Here is the facebook post I wrote soon after saying good bye to him. It is honest and raw but also censored because I knew there was no way that people who have never loved a dog would understand my pain. So here was my simple reflection on the life we lived together (but inside my head is a much longer version that I will attempt to capture for myself) Along with this post I included the very first photo I took of him, a photo that captured his and my connection we had pure love and understanding like nothing I've ever experience and finally a photo that captured his essence and spirit when he was at his prime.

My sweetest little young master Ralph. I remember meeting you as Spirit at Helen Woodward Animal Center. You were skeptical and not making eye contact but when I came back after signing adoption papers you immediately jumped into my arms. That first night I brought you back home back in November 2003 we looked at each other and didn’t know what to do next. I never had a pup before and you never had a person before so there our adventure began. Thank you for the 15 years you’ve blessed my life. There are just too many things to list that I’ll miss about you. You were the best dog a girl could ask for and I will always have a place in my heart where you live. See you again some day but for now you’ll be at rainbow bridge







Cross posted on AngelaMakeupDiaries