First Christmas Without You

It' been a while since I last posted. It seems like I skipped November as far as blogs go. It means I'm learning to live without you but it does not mean I will ever stop missing you. In November I was preparing to go to Hong Kong for a three week vacation with Ariel and Annabelle and of course your Dad Blaine. Upon the end of our trip I just kept thinking about returning to an empty house. The first time I ever came back from a trip for as long as I could remember and you were not there to welcome me back. I cried at night during those jet lagged nights back home.

Today I was listening to some songs that brought me back to before I met you. When I felt very lonely and moping around over failed relationships. I thought about how when I first got you were there to help me get better and it has come full circle. I am now the saddest I have ever felt feeling like a huge hole is in my heart and life. How strange that it came to be that you helped me but in losing you I feel more pain than I've ever experienced. But at least I am in a better place in my life so in that way you helped me live a fuller life. I am so lucky I got to experience you for over a decade though it will never feel like it was enough. 

Routines

Yesterday I thought about how you knew my routine so well. You knew when I was finished getting ready to start the day. Just as I would finish my last step of putting on my watch (when I still wore one) or the more latter spraying my face with setting spray I would hear a thump and a jingle jangle. It was you getting ready to accompany me to walk down the stairs to let you outside. I heard from those at home that you also knew 5 minutes before I would get home because you would run down the stairs too. A pup who could tell time. I miss you so much. Yesterday my chest quivered so hard - I dont think my body has ever hurt so much from a cry before. I found it hard to breathe. Sometimes I live with regret that you only made it to 15 years old. How could it be that you were so healthy at 14 years old then had a terribly rough last year? Was it something that I did wrong? Did you feel too lonely with 2 human baby siblings? Was there something I could have done differently. These are questions that will never be answered in this life time.

"Until one has loved an animal a part of one's soul remains unawakened" -Anatole France

Not In the Flesh But In Spirit

Yesterday I was having a tough time dealing with your loss again. Someone had asked me who the cutie in the picture on my desk was. I had to say, "my dog who is no longer with me." Then I started to clean out things that belonged to you. Each item I touch flashed me back to the moment I picked that item out and what my intention of it was to use it on you. I picked out a few harnesses that were useless and you never got to use. It made me think about the time I took you to Walmart with me for the very first time. Also the first time we visited petco with your friend Kevin who was trying to see if you liked the smell of salmon treats. I saw the paper of an event we attended together the Walk for Animals where that had names and amounts of pledges. I had a very hard time throwing any of these things away. The items I allowed myself to part with were the medicines and your teeth cleaner.

Last night I had a dream that you ate like a normal pup and you did not throw up at all. Unlike my other dreams where I was aware you had passed and that I was dreaming this time I was unaware and thought you were better. I thought you were healed and was so happy that you were eating with a normal appetite again. You were more the pup I remembered - pleasingly full and not skinny. I hope this is a sign from you letting me know you ARE actually still with me in spirit even if not in flesh letting me know you ARE actually happy and feeling better.

Aching Heart

Today my heart hurts a little extra from missing you. Thoughts of you still pop into my head nearly every day. I struggle lately with a few flashbacks of the end and how for about a year I could feel you slipping away.

Ariel turned into Ralph

Today I was replying to a message on google chat and was talking about Ariel. I automatically typed Ralph's name while actively thinking of and meaning to write Ariel. I'm a little puzzled but then also comforted by seeing his named typed by me by accident.

We'll Have A Party

Yesterday Ariel sang her Ralph song that went something like this. "I want to play in the sky with Ralphie. Doggies come home, they always do. And when Ralph comes home we'll have a party and he'll eat again." I thought I was not going to cry but then when I saw Blaine tear up then welp that was it for me too.

Someday when I see you again Ralph I hope we can all have a party together as one big happy family.

Answers I'll Never Know

Yesterday I thought of you often and wept a few times. I had been coping decently without crying every day but yesterday I was especially missing you. I also felt a sense of anger, anger that I can no longer spend time with you again. Life without you is different and I feel a sense of sadness that it will never be with you again. Sometimes I really wish I could turn back time and relive some of our time together. Sometimes I wonder if at the end you remembered my face since you could no longer see. Did you still know it was me holding you? Did you remember me? Were you afraid? This is my first time grieving someone whom I really loved. Ralph you were the greatest love and lose of my life up to this point. I will never forget you but I also hope to love a soul again in the same way I loved you. I love my family but it is different from the way I loved you. You were my friend who always showed me kindness no matter how I felt.

Mid Lick Pause

This morning when I woke up I thought about how Ralph used to lick my face and his paws and how he would sometimes stop mid lick and look to the side as if he were thinking about what noise he had just heard. I can reply an image if him doing that now. What a precious memory.

Wolf or Coyote Dream

Last night I had a dream that we had a wolf or coyote in our backyard growling at Blaine and myself with only the screen door between us. Blaine ran upstairs to grab something to protect us and I remember thinking it was going to be like a stick or something but he brought Ralph over. Then I was so happy the wolf was a little afraid of the boy pup. It must have been his scent or the way Ralph lunged at big golden retrievers. He wasn't afraid of a big dog. I held him in my arms and he was back to his plump little self then I became aware this was just a dream but still so happy he was in my arms. How lucky I am to have had that dream and hold him again.

Boikey

Almost 7 weeks since we said good bye and not a day goes by that I haven't thought of you. The way I feel my grief has changed. Though on a surface level I do seem to be handling it much better. But I sometimes I lament how life was "better" with you in it but seeing as I'll never see you in this life again I need to find a way to stop thinking that way. I look on Helen Woodward nearly every single day to see if there is another pup that catches my eye even though I know for our family with children this young it makes no sense to have a puppy yet. I guess it is just the hope that I'll catch a glimpse of another boikey (another nickname I had for Ralph) like yourself. I have found glimpses like Gary and a few other pups. I know no other pup will be special in the way that you were to me but I do hope that I'll find one that I love a lot in a special way again.

Frank

Today I thought about how Blaine remembered your name as Frank. When he told other people about meeting my dog. Perhaps it is because I gave you such a human name Ralph. Do you remember when you first met your future daddy you sat at the perch of his shoulder like a pirate's parrot. You were nice but looked at him suspiciously. You were such a protective little buddy that you always wedged yourself between us. I loved it. Do you remember how you blamed him for an accident you made in the house. It was too funny how you barked at him when he found your poop at the top of the stairs and this is while you were well potty trained. In your life you rarely made a potty mistake after having you for 6 months. You were a very well house trained companion. I am so proud that you were such a great pup in that way. It was not until the last few months of your life that you needed a lot of assistance. Miss you every day. Hugs and kisses - your mom.

Blankets and Dreams

Last night Ralph came to me in a dream. In this dream I was fully aware that I was dreaming but then so grateful to have the experience of holding Ralph again. I held him with my left hand supporting his belly and rib cage.

Yesterday afternoon Ariel said to me that I was using Ralphie's blanket and pointed to where he used to nap and lay and told me to put it back. It made me tear up a little. I waited until the kids were in bed to have a huge cry about missing him.

Last night I also refreshed the browser on my phone and saw that Gary was adopted. I knew he would, he has such a sweet face.

Potty Training

Last night I had the memory of when I had just gotten Ralph and it was only he and I who lived together. The first time he followed me into my bathroom when I peed he watched me and proceeded to pee right there. Ha - I have not thought about how he did that in such a long time. It must be sign from him that there still so many buried sweet memories. These are the kinds of memories I hope to continue to resurface for the rest of my life.

Running Past Us

Last night Blaine and I saw a memory notification of us at the beach with Ralph. He had a his classic smile and as Blaine called him a Sentinel Pup because of the way he would sit up and watch. Such a cutie. It brought tears joy to both of us remember those things. Another fun thing we recalled was how when we would take him to dog beach or parks and let him off leash he would always do this cheeky thing where he would bound towards us with a huge smile but at the last second dodge us and run past us and keep going as though he was going to run off away from us. Without a doubt we would always then turn around and chase after him as if he thought it was a game then he would let us catch up to him. How lucky I was to have experienced Ralph's love for the brief period of my life from 2003-2018. Only 15 years but he left such a mark on my soul. I hope to meet you again some day although unfortunately I'm not sure what happens to us when we leave this life.

Soft Bite

This weekend I thought about how Ralph never bit me. Whenever we would play and he would get a hold of my hand he would turn his grip into a very soft licky grip. He would always completely change the way his bite was from when he was biting Blaine or his toys into a very affectionate lick and bump my hand with his nose. Everyone would notice how he was different with me.

My friend Selena gave me a necklace with Ralph's picture and an engraving on the back. I absolutely love it. I would wear it all the time except for my children wanting to rip it off and keep it for themselves. I tried wearing it and they kept pulling on it so I need to wear it sparingly until they are old enough not to break it. Actually I should make them their own too.

The Circle

Last night when it was time to lay my body down to rest I stumbled upon a video that YouTube had suggested for me. Of course they must know I am missing my sweet Ralph. This video touched me and made me shed some gut wrenching tears for my boy.

Gary of BH

Last night I did my usual when I wind down for bed I look on my phone at long hair chihuahua mixes that are up for adoption. I don't know why I look before I am not ready for one in my heart yet. Also, the family is not ready for a dog at this time either. I guess it is just another coping mechanism to heal the hole left in my heart. I across this dog named Gary, a 6 year old adult puperoni who I would go visit in a heartbeat if we were ready. His gorgeous smile, a little dirt on his nose (probably from sticking his face somewhere), what a cute ears too. I just love something about him. He's super cute so I have no doubt some lucky family will get to enjoy him.

Today on my walk with my friend she talked about taking her dogs for their annual checkups. It made me talk about you quite a bit again. I mentioned how before you got sick that every vet appointment your checkup bill of health was always excellent,. You were always impressing the vets with your muscular body and clean teeth. For such a little pup you could sure jump amazing heights. Your ability to walk on narrow unsteady walkways like behind couches and on jagged rocks. A 9 lb rock star you were. I find myself wishing so often to embrace you again. 

On this day in 2010 this was Addy's birthday (which I am told is actually the 15th tomorrow)

Missing You

Missing you never goes away. It has been 4 weeks and 1 days since I had to say goodbye to you. How I still think of you multiple times a day. Today on my walk I thought about you beside me and I wondered if even we had not been in this spot together before would we ever meet in a spot we've never been together before? Then it got me to thinking about what happens to us when we are no longer in the flesh again. I thought something about you that I wanted to write down but it escapes me now. 

Helen Woodward Visit

Yesterday we went to Souplantation then Helen Woodward Animal Center. HWAC is currently under construction and looks completely unrecognizable compared to the last few times I went there. When we pulled into the lot Ariel asked if it was time to pick up Ralph. Oh how I wish we could do that. I long to see my young adult but still healthy Ralph. I saw a few pups but none that really grabbed me. They don't seem to have many pups at that facility. Blaine and I wonder if they are becoming more of a large animal (horses) rescue center. It would make sense since there is a need for it and other places already take dogs. Seeing other dogs makes me realize it might be a very long time before I am ready to adopt another (if ever).

I picked some candid photos of Ralph so I could remember how much he was a part of our family.

Candid photo September 4 2015

Candid photo September 4 2016

In the afternoon we went to Sea World which was a lot of fun, I went on two rides with my little girls. Annabelle was not enjoying the rides too much. As far as the Sea Dragon Drop I was a little worried she was going to some how contort her small body and slip out the bottom so I had a firm grip on her. We had dinner there as well for the first time which was a lot of fun because it made it feel like a staycation. Afterwards we took a look at the Sea Turtles since Annabelle loves aquariums. Then Blaine realized that the show Cirque Electrique was about to start. We've seen it twice and let me tell you, it is really awesome. Especially the bit with the man who is on some hover board con traption that is attached to a jet ski. Amazingly cool. So we ran towards it but were waved away because the stadium was packed. So Blaine had the idea of riding the Sky Ride to watch it from behind. Mind you we had already watched the show front row a few weeks ago so I was up for trying from a new view. It was such a great experience watching from the sky and because no one was waiting in line for the ride they let us ride without exiting the ride! I will always remember what an awesome evening this was. And the icing on the cake was afterwards we have a completely unobstructed view of the fireworks on the path from the Sky Ride. I have to say it does not seen like Sea World is hurting go business this summer and they did a really nice job of their attractions this year. I am so glad we got the annual passes at the end of 2017.

Annabelle at Sea World August 2nd 2018

Handsome Pup

You are the most unique dog I’ve ever seen. I’m sure most dogs would think their own was special. But Ralph really was something special. He had a look that I knew he could see my soul. I’ve never loved someone as purely as him. I wish I knew exactly what mix he was so I could find another who reminds me of him. We are not ready to open our home to another pup but it heals me to look. Your snout was the perfect shape. What a cute feathery tail you had. Regal lions mane. Pure white chest fur. Perfect chocolate and gray coat. Like nothing I’ve ever seen. Beautiful paw pads with the most perfect fluffy fur. Whoever designed you inside and out had amazing taste.

Do you remember how you used to mark your people when we were out and about? What a silly pup you were using me, daddy and Kevin as your tree at beaches and dog parks. Always bringing laughter to us.

Ariel asks to watch your video then cries and says she does like it. I think she doesn’t understand why she feels sad.

Raccoon Sighting

I remember the time Ralph spotted a large raccoon in the backyard. You alerted us by giving a cry you so unique to any sound you’ve ever made. It was fascinating to see your instincts kick in to protect us. What a smart dog you were. Remember when we would pass by other dogs you were suspicious of you would slink down low and crawl towards them like a large cat stalking their prey. Your little quirks were such a joy to observe. Today was a non crying day. I’ve very grateful for this days because while I still miss you all the time I feel more comforted and at peace. I’m learning to live with knowing in this life I’ll never see you again. I still wonder about if I’ll ever see you again. But is it better to live the rest of my life thinking it’s not possible? Even if we really cease to exist once we pass is it a way to life believing that? Or will I have more comfort keeping hope for the rest of my life that there is a possibility we may reunite. Maybe the key to living is having a positive outlook and don’t fear the unknown. This most devastating loss has quite honestly changed me to the core as human being. I am much more grateful for each and every moment in my life. I have been inspired not to waste what precious finite  time we all have. Thank you Ralph for saving me in more ways than one. Though losing you has made me physically weaker and emotionally drained. Our cherished bond has made me stronger of the mind.

A Visit

This evening after putting the girls to sleep Blaine and I heard one of the girls toys go off. We thought maybe it was coming from the girls room but I recognized it as being the sound of their toys. I had heard the noise coming from downstairs in the room the Ralph likes to nap. I once again had a momentary scare. But Blaine and I wondered if you Ralph had come to say hello to us. We both wept for a good 15 minutes and talked about how much we miss him. How it is not the same without him and how we wished we could go back to 15 years ago. For how sad we feel in this moment that he is no longer here he gave us so much happiness in the 15 years prior. I will never stop missing you Ralph. Please come to visit more often.

Jingle Jangle

Last night as I was walking up the stairs in the dark I heard a familiar sound, it was loud and it was clear it was the sound of pup nails scratch on the carpet. Ralph would scratch the carpet and spin around in circles before sitting down. It was the strangest thing. It actually scared me and I was too scared to look around to see where the noise came from. I had flashes of the movie Pet Cemetery and it was not the thought of a zombie pet that frightened me it was the image I remember of the Zombie person coming back. After putting that creepy thought away I felt comfort in knowing my Ralph might actually have been sending me a sign. I told Blaine about this incident and how I must be losing my mind. He said he's thought he's heard the sound of his jingle jangle recently. The sound he would make with his collar and tags when he walked around.

When Ralph was of this living world he saved me from myself. Everyone has their own baggage and insecurities. His companionship was like no other. The first 2 weeks I was a wreck missing him. I'm still missing him immensely. However, I actually feel some sort of strength in trying to improve my life. I think he is sending me a sign to save me again.

May 31st 2010

New Beginnings

Today was Ariel's first day of school ever, she went a full 7:30 AM to 3:30 PM today. She was really excited and easy to drop off. We are supposed to leave a family photo in the near future for them. I wish I had more pictures of our whole family that include Ralph. I always thought that I would be sad to see my first child start school because it would mark time going by faster. In fact this was not the case at all, I was very much looking forward to letting her start a new adventure in life. I guess that is just part of being a human parent.

I'm a little sick today, the whole family has been sick and I thought I was going to miss out on it but it finally caught up to me yesterday. I already was beginning to feel physically ill but as I lay down I looked at some pictures of Ralph as a vibrant pup, one who used to jump high and wiggle his body around as he got air. He would jump on my really high Ethan Allan four post bed and sofa backings with ease. Tears streamed down my face and I could feel my chest aching. Annabelle woke me up crying a few times last night and I felt so much like I wanted pass on to the afterlife through the night. It's a new day and a new chance to get better.

Relationships Sparkle More than Diamonds

Yesterday Blaine and I took the girls on an evening trip to Huntington Beach to drop off something for his work. We reminisced about how I would have a lap pup on drives like those. He would cuddle on my lap in a certain way and look up sweetly at Blaine. At night time his eyes would glisten in the light. It is a beautiful memory we have. 

Back to our crazy evening trip - long story short this evening trip turned into a memorable adventure. For the sake of keeping this memory forever I will just say a few things. Key pick up, Carlsbad Outlet, chips ahoy, client house, fleas on Blaine, meet the neighbors, Blaine's impromptu shower, Ariel needing to potty multiple times in same (very nice) neighbor's house, neighbor's cute senior pup, fruit packet puree, string cheese, applesauce, milk, sand bucket toy, my legs covered in mosquito bites, Diamond at the Jamboree, H Mart, crowded, no seating, Vietnamese food, more potty trips. If that doesn't indicate "adventure" I am not sure what would. Thank goodness for snacks and nice people in this world. It was a difficult night but in hindsight I had a great time. 

We got home just past midnight where we quickly got everyone showered. As I was putting Ariel to bed she said, I miss Ralph. I wonder if it was because she saw the dog today. I believe I heard her call the dog Ralph. Bless her heart. She then said Paw Paw went to legoland with us and now she's not here. And Gung Gung is not here either. I think this year she notices and is bothered by people missing. For her 3 years of life this time her mom's pup left and has not come back.

When I had to wake up this morning for work at 6 AM I was dead to the world but all I could remember was that I had a dream about salad and blue cheese dressing before Annabelle woke me up at 5 AM (before I had to wake for work). I nurse her back to sleep and then got myself ready. Why did my interrupted vivid dream of salad leave an impression on me? It showed me that I still have the ability to experience things in dreams. I'm still waiting for Ralph to visit me in one. I'll be waiting for the rest of my life. Thanks Ralph for teaching me to smell the roses and appreciate things along the way. I wish I had figured it out before you left but I'm so grateful to have had the journey that has left such an impression on my soul.

I'm super happy that I took at least thousands of pictures of Ralph so I will continue to include a few as long as I am at a computer.

On this day from 2008. A snuggle with my pup.

On this day from 2015. Ralph wearing Ariel's old onsie. I believe he was itchy due to the August heat.

National Dog Day 2018

Today is National Day Day and it made me cry when I posted this on Facebook. I’m crying now as I post this here as I miss him so. Ralph and I at Petco Park September 18, 2005. All the things in this photo make me happy from that flowery bag I used to carry around with all his stuff to my funny shirt, his snoopy and most of all his smile. Although he is no longer on earth since Aug 7th 2018 he is always in my heart. 🐶🌈😭😢.
Thank you everyone for continuing to let me grieve. I feel like I post a lot here.

Grief is Lonely

Yesterday I saw someone in my Rainbow Bridge Pet Loss Grief Support group mention about how it was a relief to have a safe place where others understand your pain. I agree and  it’s where I go to read stories and relate to others when life has moved on from Ralph’s passing but I am not yet ready.

Today I Struggled

The nights are the hardest. Ever since Ralph has left my blood pressure has probably been terrible. I feel my heart beating in the opposite way of when I would feel it with him lying on my chest. I actually fear that my health is declining from my broken heart. My whole life when I've gone through periods of stress - falling asleep was the hardest thing. Then usually my body starts to fall apart because I become clumsier. Two weeks ago I fell down in my bathtub after bathing my daughters. I got a huge painful bruise down my leg.

I chose not to wear eye makeup for several weeks because I knew I would be shedding many tears. If anyone knows me they will know my love and interest in makeup. Lately that interest has been halted. Anyway, I stopped crying constantly so I thought it was safe to wear mascara again. Of course this is the day that I chat with my brother Chris on Whatapp and the sorrow comes flooding back to me.

I always knew our time was not going to last forever but I never realized no matter the length it would never be enough.

It's been 17 nights without your furry presence. I'm still looking for signs that you're around spiritually. I hope that you're having too much fun in doggy heaven to notice sad me. But please visit me some day in a dream. You're welcome any time. I hope a vivid enough memory lives somewhere in my brain to make that meeting possible.

Ralph chilling on my neck (year's past 2009)

Ralph laying on my favorite blanket (year's past 2008)

Ralph at the top of the stairs (year's past 2005)

 Ralph chilling on my bed (year's past 2004)

Stretching paw, on my favorites things.

"I wish somebody would have told me babe

Some day, these will be the good old days
All the love you won't forget
And all these reckless nights you won't regret
Someday soon, your whole life's gonna change
You'll miss the magic of these good old days"

lyrics from Macklemore and Kesha's Good Ole Days

Always On My Mind

I wrote that late night post on my phone when I was tossing and turning thinking about Ralph. After I had gotten the girls to bed and Blaine was not home yet from driving my mother to the airport. I was winding down getting ready for bed I watched a clip from the movie A Dog's Purpose which I have not seen yet. Rewind, today I felt particularly strong I've been able to think about Ralph, look at his pictures, watch his videos throughout the day without even feeling like crying. I think of happy memories yet I always miss him. In the movie the dog Bailey is reincarnated several times into different dog lives but the clip I saw he finds his way back to what I interpreted as his deeply connected soul person. So at that point I just lost it because the thought of being able to see my Ralphie again made me so emotional. I can't say if that emotion was sadness, happiness or hope. Maybe it was all of those feelings at the same time. I should have known better than to click on that preview for the sake of my own night of sleep.

Someone on the Rainbow Bridge group posted about being afraid that the memories she had were all from seeing photos and not actually remembering. Another person commented the following which I find to be so true. "I think it’s really fear of loss, intensified by grief. We’ve already lost them physically so we try to recall every single memory and then panic when we can’t. So much of life gets in the way of preserving our memories during the time they’re here with us. We become overwhelmed by everyday life, with work, paying bills, our health and modern day stress. All the things that interfere with our relationship with our pets. And then one day we try and recall them at a specific time and we can’t- because maybe we were grappling with other things in our lives at the time. We know they were there with us but the actual memories remain hidden because life got in the way! I wish we could replay those days again in slow motion; they were the best of days - we just didn’t know it..."

Today I am going to reach into my mind and come up with a memory not jogged from a photograph. (I will also share my amazon photo memories later) When I close my eyes and let my mind run free with the purpose of remembering Ralph I imagine my thumb nail fitting into his paw pads. How I would touch his soft pads and roll them in a circular motion. They would be slightly rough but have a gentle softness about them just the right amount of moisture. I think about his dew claw pad. How in his early days he would let me clip his nails but in the later years I had to take him to petco because I couldn't bare to hear him yelp. His nailed used to be clear when he was a pup so it was easy for me to make sure I didn't get him when I clipped. But they turned black and dark impossible for me to tell at a fairly early ate. He had perfectly wispy ear fur and a main that gave him the regal presence of a lion pup. He used to kiss me vigorously on the lips and I let him. I think other people were mortified to see me open mouth kiss my Ralph but it just felt so comfortable and right. Ha - and I used to be a germaphobe too. Sometimes he would kind of nibble my lip with the front of his teeth in an affectionate way. Probably like how I used to nibble the top of his head and ear when I thought he looked especially scrumptious. I actually understand how the expression "cute enough to eat" came to be. So our feeling towards each others cuteness felt pretty mutual. As I got older we didn't have time to be cuddly and kiss like that but I do miss the feel of his scratchy tongue and tickle of his whiskers against my face and even the saltiness of his kiss.

Family bonding time in (this day in 2015)

A sight I often saw was this fossil pup as we called him (this day in 2005)

Still Devastated by your Absence

I’m laying here awake completely consumed with thoughts of Ralph. Your absence tonight has consumed me. I miss you more than words can express.

The Mark of Summers End

To me the mark of summers end is my mother going back to her home in Hong Kong. I feel strange sense of sadness that our house will be emptier after today. She and I have really bonded since last year. I really appreciate having her presence and being part of my family. Annabelle was still a new born and quite fragile at the same time and last year Ralph first became very ill I fell into a depression. My mother made the decision to buy a new plane ticket because stupid JAL refused to change her flight and she changed her 3 month stay (original departure of August 19 2017 into a 6 month stay and left on Cathay Pacific on December 8th 2017. I will forever be grateful for her effort, time and money that she spent helping me last year. If only there were a way to show my gratitude.

Ralph fell ill around the end of June in 2017. He was vomiting everything he ate. I remember the first time I heard a sharp cry from him and found vomit. Blaine took him to the vet who did blood work. He ended up on several different medications including antibiotics (a few rounds), liver supplement, appetite enhancer, anti-nausea medication, pain killers, probiotics, acid reflux. He had X-rays and scans and more blood work. He went a few rounds of a few days and nights of hospitalization to replenish his fluids because he was also not drinking. He was fast becoming very weak and frail. My 9 lb Ralph because a 5.5 lb Ralph. Ralph ended up having a few test done none of which seemed to improve his bloodwork results. We were given a few more options by the VCA (by this time he was no longer seeing his normal vet we had been referred to the VCA) but I made my case that I was fearing that Ralph was suffering. So we stopped all medication and stopped taking him in for blood work. And in August I was worried that he might just drop dead at any moment. But miraculously by about this time last year Ralph actually got better when we took him off all the medication. Or at least he stopped vomiting and he ate again. But the fear that it might come back never left me. For the past 14 months Blaine and I made the decision not to take any big trips because in my gut we knew Ralph would be more comfortable at home. We did take a few small trips where my friend Janet helped me watch him. She has 2 fur babies and Ralph is very comfortable with their family. Ralph's regular vet seemed more understanding of our situation in that we wanted him to live out the rest of his life as comfortably as he could since we weren't able to find the cause of his problems. From August to November we seemed to have a semi-healthy pup who still enjoyed more of the things he previously did. However in December he stopped eating again. On a daily basis we tried absolutely everything we could think of from all the foods he ever enjoyed in his 15 years of life together. Occasionally he would eat some pumpkin puree, peanut butter, oatmeal, cheese and cheese ravioli. By this time he would not even touch his dog food (he was on prescription). He still took treats on the rare occasion. We took a final trip with him in April where we took him to visit his old friend Addy. That trip deserves a post on it's own so I will save that. The trip was stressful but in hindsight it was a beautiful one and I am so glad we got to take it with him. By the time we came back from that trip Ralph seemed to have accidents in the house which he never had before. He was perfectly trained and always let us know when he needed to go outside. I went on amazon and bought him a few sets of diapers which he then wore. I did not mind the accidents but the not eating part really stressed me us out. I think I need to save the rest for another post because I didn't plan on reliving our last year and I'm not quite ready to write down my feelings about the end. Ralph slept a lot the last year of his life. I find that most of my pictures of him were of him sleeping so that makes me sad.

Here are a few memories from year's past on this day that popped up on my facebook and amazon photo memories.

 Lake Tahoe pup (on this day in 2012)

Lake Tahoe pup in (on this day in 2012)

2015

Tucked paw pup sweetly hanging out with his new sister. Ralph was sweet to Ariel from the beginning and it was as though he knew she was part of the pack. He was such a smart pup with high EQ marks. I love and miss you everyday.

Always giving his love to grandma Loh and Ariel. What a family guy Ralph has been.
(on this day in 2015)

Ralpherella and Roni Pupster

2018 is the year of the great Build A Bear promo disaster where July 12 was a pay your age for ANY Build A Bear furry friend. We marked it on our calendars and I had work so my mother signed up in case they ended up going. I decided to look on instagram and saw that people were outraged about the fiasco. Long story short the ended the promo because of the insane crowds at the stores and ended up sending out $15 coupons to those who signed up. A few weeks ago we took the opportunity to do the pay your age for the birthday specific bears (birthday treat bear) for both Ariel and Annabelle. I helped Ariel name her bear Ralpherella. I don't even remember what I named Annabelle's bear. Last night we went and redeemed their $15 off coupon for Pawlette a bunny. Thankfully Ariel was sold on the idea of a furry friend that was $16.50 making theirs only $1.50 each before tax. Ha - luckily she is still young enough not to want the fancy colorful bears or add clothes and accessories. This time I helped Annabelle name her bunny Roni Pupster. Ariel named her bunny Hopster Red. It has been 2 weeks since we had to say goodbye on this earth and while I've finally been able to go almost a whole day without crying about you I still find ways to incorporate you into my life. Ariel has been saying how much she misses you and that she hopes you can come home in November. I wish you could come home and live with us again. I find myself still doubting and feeling sad that I might never see you again at rainbow bridge. It is after all a made up story made to help us cope and feel better about the restoration of your health and the possibility of meeting again. I never even accepted the slight possibility of heaven until losing you. I so desperately hope I get to see you again one day and hold you in my arms again, kiss your head and rub your ears.

A comment that I read on my pet loss support group. "Don't go back to the what ifs they are meaningless now focus on the good times and happy memories." In a way this blog has helped me relive some happy memories and for that I am thankful.

Relaxing at an Asian Festival I believe this was at NTC Park Liberty Station in San Diego, CA

Memories

Sleeping series of photos are from 2009

I realize I'll never stop missing you Ralph but I have not quite accepted that I'll never see you in this life again. Logic tells me that I have to find a way to live happily even with that knowledge. So I try to think back to before I knew you and how I was able to live. I was at a very lonely place in my head and heart before I met you. You were able to fill the void with such love. There is no better feeling that Ralph laying under my chin and feeling his breath on my neck. We was just so comfortable with me.


                            

                            

                            


Here are some of my memories without photos:

One time early you barked at Blaine when you had an accident to ask as if you were blaming him for the mess. By then you were well potty trained and had not had an accident in ages.

I remember the time you had a tick embedded deep in the back of your neck and Blaine and I pulled it out. That was a traumatizing experience for all of us especially for you.

I remember one time when I walked you down the street and you squealed and jumped as if something bit you. I never found out what it was but maybe it was a small bug bite.

I remember the time a loose dog bit came over to stiff you while we were on a walk and Blaine was trying to protect you so we lifted your leash away not realizing you were dangling. I was so upset and grabbed you. You then walked funny and we were mortified and worried you got hurt (and arguing about it) but later found out it was because you had a burr seed stuck in the hairs of your paw pad. Those used to get stuck in your paw pad a lot.

I remember the time a loose dog ran out of a house and bit you while on a walk. I scooped you up and this dog tried to drag you out of my arms. Thankfully you weren't hurt. We rang the doorbell of that dog's house and told the owners what just happened. Once again you were fine.

The time you saw a large animal in the backyard and alerted us by barking in a way that you never barked before. I caught a glimpse of it too but was not sure what it was, it was huge!

The time you cried like an actual human baby when you were naughty and I scolded you.

The time you jumped up to sit on the chair but banged your head on the table and flopped right over. You gave me a big scare when I saw you bounce off and roll over but you were just fine.

General behavior memories:

You used to toss a carrot at Blaine and myself and run figure eights whenever he and I would argue. It would always lighten the mood and bring us all back together.

The way you'd lick the inside of your paw pads when resting, the way you'd cross your front paws looking so regal.

When you were younger and able to jump over extremely high distances for a tiny little pup. You were able to do this up until about 2012. Up until the last few months you still ran up and down the stairs like a pro.

The way you would snarl your lips up at Blaine when he'd try to take you while we were together. LOL

                  

The way you'd sit there and look up into my face when I trimmed the furs around your face. It was like our quality time and we even got to have that one last night about a week before you passed. You were doing really poor and unable to see. I knew it was getting close to the end of our time together so it was probably really silly for me to even bother to trim your furs. But I felt a few dreadlocks and you sat there letting me trim them. After that you had about 4 good days where you would eat for us. I got my hopes up high like I had for the past year that you might start eating again. Every time you ate a little I would get excited and think you might get better. The truth is that you've been sleeping most of the time for the last year. In fact we were relieved when you were sleeping because was the only time that you seemed comfortable and peaceful. I am still completely shocked because you seemed in such good health just over 1 year ago. I thought you were going to live forever - ok maybe not forever but in my head you were going to make it to 20 no question and you were also going to be one of those pups that made it into the world record for the longest living dog. I suppose losing you at 15 almost 16 (I always say almost 16 as if that makes it better) is just as terrible as it would have been if you made it to 20. I miss you so much.